A Bumpy Road Indeed

I need a life makeover.  Do-over.  Whatever the hell it's called these days, I want it, and I want it now, more than ever.

I have all sorts of dreams, goals and aspirations.  I have people who love me.  I have time--well, I hope I do anyway.  I have skills.  Just seems that most of them aren't what decently-paying employers will jump up and down over.

I have discovered that where I'm at, at the moment, is not necessarily a good place for me.  Relationally, physically, financially...  It's really dry & dusty here right now.  My joints love it.  My eyes, however, do not.  My eyes burn & itch.  I look like I've been crying, even when I haven't. 

To top it off, I've been advised about the local flora and fauna here, some of which are poisonous.  I will spare my gentle readers my exact thoughts on that, as they were pretty unflattering all the way around, and I do try to be ladylike sometimes.  Early social training kicks in again.  dammit.

At this point, I'm seriously contemplating selling my car, going to tractor-trailer school and going out on the road, to make some money, buy a condo, feed Lou, all that jazz.  I like driving.  I'm nervous because I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do some of the tractor-trailer things, though.

  Internet writing, I'm finding, is not as quickly profitable as I'd hoped, and I am simply not the kind of person who sells Tupperware or Mary Kay or anything like that.  It has dawned on me that I could be doing something, or a few things, wrong, so that I've gotten this result, but I don't know what they are.

  Trouble is, if I sell my car, I have no way of getting back & forth to school unless I find a cheap POS to make do with. 

Gack.  I'm tired of difficulties and poverty in my life.

I cried about it last night.  My sweet, sweet friend tried to make it better, by folding up a tissue for me to blow my nose into.  I'm afraid I did NOT come back with the action/reaction he expected.  I was actually rather horrified that he'd do that.  I was crying, not helpless for crying out loud.    I have a funny feeling we damn near had a fight about it. 

I woke up crying about the whole mess again this morning, and even snuggling Lou didn't help all that much.  I wandered off in the car to try and do some meditation and a walk and have a good solid cry in the desert not far from me, and the dust be damned, but it wasn't to be.  I kept getting pulled aside by complete strangers who either fell in love with the license plate on my car, or by my regional accent.  So not what I wanted today.

It appeared I was not going to be left in peace.  So I drove to the library, figuring that for a nice quiet place to hide.  Well..the Universe is possessed of a twisted sense of humor.  Apparently today was the day for the library to be a swingin' hotspot.  By the sheer volume of folks here, one would think they were serving drinks.  Alas, no.

So I distracted myself from my sorrows in a few magazines.  and let a few tears slip when the burning in my eyes got to be too much.  and here I am.  Still not sure of much of anything, other than maybe driving home, having some lunch and trying to snuggle Lou again might be a good thing, while I wait to hear back from a tractor trailer school about the cost of tuition and all that stuff, while trying to not feel like a failure as a coach, a writer, or even a human being.

Well, Finally!

Today I'm finally over the flu enough to write again.  Part of me is having a hard time wrapping my head around what I learned while having the flu while at the same time driving x-country.  Part of me is telling me to just relax, go with the things I've learned, and have done with them all.

I've learned that I really really like driving.  As in, I should do it for a living and write about the experience.  So I am looking into ways of getting my CDL-A.  I already have the blog, and this will be transferring over to the new domain at some point soon. 

I learned that the freak who designed the tollways in NJ needs to be taken out and shot for his idiocy.  That is all there is to it.

I learned that I *love love love* the area around southern Virginia.  I must have a house there, and soon!  Of course, if I am going to be out driving & writing for a living, I'm going to need to have a roommate/pet-sitter for Lou.

I learned that I never should have left the south the last time I was there.  Love the food, the people..all of it.

I learned that I am very grateful for tech-savvy people.  I would be lost without them.  One of the techies I know managed to fix in an hour, problems I'd been having with my computer for months on end.  Now my baby laptop (an HP Mini) runs like freshly (and correctly) tuned classic car.  I am happy about this.

I've learned that there is an assclown out of Utah with an autodialler that has apparently gone insane.  It calls me several times a day. There is never, ever anyone at the other end. This pisses me off, and I wish I could do something about it.

I've learned there is a scam artist from somewhere that wants to help me with my mortgage.  BWAHAHAHAHA.  Nothing like telling those idiots to not call me again. 

I've learned that I really don't like really large wide-open spaces as much as I thought I did--they freak me out more than the closed-in spaces I used to think I feared.  This neatly explained why I freaked out so badly & so frequently back when I had acreage.  Those largely-silent nights I thought I was going to love, were not, for the most part, peaceful; rather they were more a form of tortuous reproach as I heard the unconscious leftover noises of living coming from the families whose property abutted my own.

I learned that I'm not nearly as claustrophobic as I thought.  I learned that I do just fine so long as I have windows and nothing/no one directly in my face.

I learned that I really really really don't like living alone.  I thought I knew that going in, but this particular lesson has been brought home more strongly than ever.  All those lonely places, driving cross-country is what brought this realization about, especially going through Texas.
 While I was suitably grateful for a clean place to sleep each night, it would have been better if I had consistently shared the place, and the experience, with someone who cared about me, as I cared about them.  I really do, do better with having someone around, that I can say goodnight to.  Do I understand in the slightest why I have this need, still, after so many years of either being on my own, or living alone?  Nope!  Just learning that I'm not as much of a lone wolf as I'd thought, is ok.

I learned that Texas is really a godforsaken place.  SO much lonely country.  They need developers.

 I learned that I kind of like having other people around, when it comes to day-to-day living.  Just so long as they aren't clingy about it.  Clingy completely turns me off and weirds me out with an 'I can't breathe!  help help help!' feeling.  Yuck.

I learned that I am still somewhat conflicted about the whole either having a family or being part of a family.  On the one hand, I would like being part of a (reasonably) functional family scene and likely do well with it so long as I had some understanding guidance.  On the other hand, the concept of family scares the hell out of me.

I learned that I have a completely awesome cat.  Lou travels *beautifully*.  No howls of protest, so long as I don't play Elton John on the car stereo--Lou is apparently not a fan. I've learned that Lou likes mozzarella cheese, and hamburger from Wendy's.  I've learned that Lou will pretty much sleep for as long as I let him, when he's in his carrier and the car is moving. 

I learned that Border Patrol agents get lonely for 'home' just like everyone else.  I got to talk to this *kid* that was from Vermont (if he was any more than 23 I'll eat my shirt), when I got stopped at a checkpoint in New Mexico to make sure I wasn't transporting illegals or something else with nefarious intent.  He was all excited to hear my accent--I sounded like home, I guess.

I learned that when the chips are down, that I *do* have people who love me, and who *will* help out.  And that they aren't who I thought they would be.  This came as a suprise.

I learned that the people I thought *would* be helpful, are the ones who are actually the least so.

I've learned who believes in me as a human being, and who is all too easily inclined to be an asshole.  Again, a suprise.

All things considered, this move was a good thing, so far.

..until next time..peace!