I need a life makeover. Do-over. Whatever the hell it's called these days, I want it, and I want it now, more than ever.
I have all sorts of dreams, goals and aspirations. I have people who love me. I have time--well, I hope I do anyway. I have skills. Just seems that most of them aren't what decently-paying employers will jump up and down over.
I have discovered that where I'm at, at the moment, is not necessarily a good place for me. Relationally, physically, financially... It's really dry & dusty here right now. My joints love it. My eyes, however, do not. My eyes burn & itch. I look like I've been crying, even when I haven't.
To top it off, I've been advised about the local flora and fauna here, some of which are poisonous. I will spare my gentle readers my exact thoughts on that, as they were pretty unflattering all the way around, and I do try to be ladylike sometimes. Early social training kicks in again. dammit.
At this point, I'm seriously contemplating selling my car, going to tractor-trailer school and going out on the road, to make some money, buy a condo, feed Lou, all that jazz. I like driving. I'm nervous because I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do some of the tractor-trailer things, though.
Internet writing, I'm finding, is not as quickly profitable as I'd hoped, and I am simply not the kind of person who sells Tupperware or Mary Kay or anything like that. It has dawned on me that I could be doing something, or a few things, wrong, so that I've gotten this result, but I don't know what they are.
Trouble is, if I sell my car, I have no way of getting back & forth to school unless I find a cheap POS to make do with.
Gack. I'm tired of difficulties and poverty in my life.
I cried about it last night. My sweet, sweet friend tried to make it better, by folding up a tissue for me to blow my nose into. I'm afraid I did NOT come back with the action/reaction he expected. I was actually rather horrified that he'd do that. I was crying, not helpless for crying out loud. I have a funny feeling we damn near had a fight about it.
I woke up crying about the whole mess again this morning, and even snuggling Lou didn't help all that much. I wandered off in the car to try and do some meditation and a walk and have a good solid cry in the desert not far from me, and the dust be damned, but it wasn't to be. I kept getting pulled aside by complete strangers who either fell in love with the license plate on my car, or by my regional accent. So not what I wanted today.
It appeared I was not going to be left in peace. So I drove to the library, figuring that for a nice quiet place to hide. Well..the Universe is possessed of a twisted sense of humor. Apparently today was the day for the library to be a swingin' hotspot. By the sheer volume of folks here, one would think they were serving drinks. Alas, no.
So I distracted myself from my sorrows in a few magazines. and let a few tears slip when the burning in my eyes got to be too much. and here I am. Still not sure of much of anything, other than maybe driving home, having some lunch and trying to snuggle Lou again might be a good thing, while I wait to hear back from a tractor trailer school about the cost of tuition and all that stuff, while trying to not feel like a failure as a coach, a writer, or even a human being.
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