Not long ago, I was reading the blog of Hiro Boga. What I took away from reading her post was about one's congruency between the person you are in your private life, vs. the person you are in your public life, and how important it is to have congruency between the two, instead of keeping them as fragmented and as far apart as possible.
Suddenly, the wheels in my mind began to turn, which led to a long round of internal clarity and questioning. I realized with a start, that I'd been anxious around people for most of my life, because many of them did not, could not, or would not practice that congruency, for many reasons. People who act like that (one way in private; a different one in public) have always freaked me out.
My first lessons in dealing with others weren't much better, as I was taught that most people could not ever be fully trusted, despite me wanting desperately to be able to do the whole trust thing with other people. Dishonesty and distrust were skills I was going to have to pick up, like it or not.
Of course, being me, I had to flip that around and ask myself if there had been times where I had been incongruent, and of course, there were, and from there I had to ask myself why--naturally, it all came back to roughly the same thing.
I had the feeling though, that there was something more, and I was right. I sensed the beginnings of a pattern starting to emerge for unravelling, beginning with that whole trust thing.
From there I skipped to a side issue of Armoring. Physical armoring. Weight, clothes, usually making the effort to blend in when I really wanted to do was shine. Finding myself frequently alone and having
to be tougher, smarter and more capable than everyone else in the room to be thought of as half as good.
Occasionally doing everything in my power to push people away.
Being surrounded by either a physical, paperwork , financial or social mess as a reminder of that I exist. Or as a punishment for existing. Or, as protection from others--but could it be I want to protect them from me because I am terrified I will hurt someone as I've been hurt before, because I just might be a sleazball?
After some consideration, I realized that all of the salient parts of this essential distrust and disconnection were all old stuff, and that I'd spent a lot of time, and more than a few relationships of any stripe, going over this old stuff that, for me, was just...well..old and not service-able anymore. I didn't need, or want, to do all that anymore. It doesn't fit who I am. And I realized all at once that my deepest fear about myself wasn't correct. Thank Goodness!
I felt a shift inside myself then, to ask what I needed, in order to move forward into a reality that feels much, much better. I need space. I needed to give myself compassion and meet myself where I was. I needed to give myself the feeling of 'home' I've always craved. I needed to realize that I'm not at all sleazy, as I'd feared.
I do, however need to pay more positive attention to myself and meet my own self-needs, and have an eye on my own self-worth.
I need to start looking at making some new friends, while keeping the old ones that seem to want to stick around for the best of all possible reasons.
My lesson for today seems to be that all of my values, qualities, feelings, experiences, etc. are not just fragments, as I'd been treating them for oh-so-many years. They are parts of a whole, and there is still a bit of work to be done to bring them together. I I know now, that it's nothing scary, it's just all just part of the face that I show the world, personally or professionally--and it's OK.
Until next time....peace.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
True Love Stories Don't Have Endings
A note from my own practice..
I'm really of two minds today. On the one hand, I wish the subject of my title were true, in that true love stories don't have endings, although my life experience of love strongly suggests otherwise. On the other hand, I certainly hope it isn't true, as I am a strong closet romantic.
I'm having that push-pull over love today, because part of me wants to continue to, for lack of a better expression coming to mind at the moment, do the whole love thing.
Yet, there is another part of me is through with the love thing, and not-so-secretly suspects the love thing to be a load of horsepucky.
The irony to this is that I teach people about unconditional love of and for all things; how the heck am I going to apply my knowledge to this particular issue I'm feeling in the moment?
The first thing I had to do was get clear with myself about how I was really feeling about this particular issue, the experience of which , methaphorically at least, was somewhat akin to peeling an onion under running water, in that there was a solid object of resistance in the middle of a flow.
In the end, I realized that I am glad that I had the option of getting into love relationships in the first place. Grateful that I've meet some really neat people. Sad that some relationships just don't work out the way that people involved intended them to, no matter how much care, time, money and hard work are put into them. Angry that sometimes the sad situation erupts for reasons out of the control of the people in the relationship. Ambivalent and shy/scared about ever wanting to go forth and do it all again.
In that moment, I knew that what I needed to do, was feel and recieve love from myself, as well as from the Universe; and so, I gave myself Reiki.
I feel better now. Not perfect, not just yet. Just better, and sure that I'm going to be OK.
Until next time..peace.
I'm really of two minds today. On the one hand, I wish the subject of my title were true, in that true love stories don't have endings, although my life experience of love strongly suggests otherwise. On the other hand, I certainly hope it isn't true, as I am a strong closet romantic.
I'm having that push-pull over love today, because part of me wants to continue to, for lack of a better expression coming to mind at the moment, do the whole love thing.
Yet, there is another part of me is through with the love thing, and not-so-secretly suspects the love thing to be a load of horsepucky.
The irony to this is that I teach people about unconditional love of and for all things; how the heck am I going to apply my knowledge to this particular issue I'm feeling in the moment?
The first thing I had to do was get clear with myself about how I was really feeling about this particular issue, the experience of which , methaphorically at least, was somewhat akin to peeling an onion under running water, in that there was a solid object of resistance in the middle of a flow.
In the end, I realized that I am glad that I had the option of getting into love relationships in the first place. Grateful that I've meet some really neat people. Sad that some relationships just don't work out the way that people involved intended them to, no matter how much care, time, money and hard work are put into them. Angry that sometimes the sad situation erupts for reasons out of the control of the people in the relationship. Ambivalent and shy/scared about ever wanting to go forth and do it all again.
In that moment, I knew that what I needed to do, was feel and recieve love from myself, as well as from the Universe; and so, I gave myself Reiki.
I feel better now. Not perfect, not just yet. Just better, and sure that I'm going to be OK.
Until next time..peace.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Awakening
I completely failed to sleep worth much of anything last night. I'd sleep for a little bit, wake up, attend to the feline preschool session in full swing (the cats were in rare form last night) toss and turn, then go back to sleep again for a little while. Rinse, repeat.
Upon my final awakening this morning, roundabout 5 AM, my thoughts were something along these lines, and I am not quite sure where the heck they came from. "you know at least these things inside out: Cats are occasionally affectionate aliens in fur coats, you know how to listen to people without judgement, you know how to teach people to set and maintain boundaries like nobody's business because you've learned the hard way, you understand that love is not always a pretty thing, and people need to hear that and *get it*. Now get on with explaining that to the world, willya?"
While I have absolutely no problem in doing those things, first, I needed to get my sleepy butt out of bed. First things first and all of that. First I made tea. Drank that while setting up the coffee and moving my car so that my roommate could go to work.
Drank coffee while sitting in rumination about the way I woke up, and here I am. I understand what I want to do, and what I'm called to do. Still, however, I came up against the same problem--where do I physically put this business, and how do I go about purchasing the building for this business that will also afford me a place to live?
That's where this blog comes in, but how it exactly comes in is still a little unclear. I have more work to do on that, I know.
So off I go to search for the 'how to' on pulling it all together into a cohesive package.
Until next time..peace.
Upon my final awakening this morning, roundabout 5 AM, my thoughts were something along these lines, and I am not quite sure where the heck they came from. "you know at least these things inside out: Cats are occasionally affectionate aliens in fur coats, you know how to listen to people without judgement, you know how to teach people to set and maintain boundaries like nobody's business because you've learned the hard way, you understand that love is not always a pretty thing, and people need to hear that and *get it*. Now get on with explaining that to the world, willya?"
While I have absolutely no problem in doing those things, first, I needed to get my sleepy butt out of bed. First things first and all of that. First I made tea. Drank that while setting up the coffee and moving my car so that my roommate could go to work.
Drank coffee while sitting in rumination about the way I woke up, and here I am. I understand what I want to do, and what I'm called to do. Still, however, I came up against the same problem--where do I physically put this business, and how do I go about purchasing the building for this business that will also afford me a place to live?
That's where this blog comes in, but how it exactly comes in is still a little unclear. I have more work to do on that, I know.
So off I go to search for the 'how to' on pulling it all together into a cohesive package.
Until next time..peace.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Peace in the Present Moment
I felt weirdly unsettled, alone, back at the house, so I packed up my netbook and decided to go find someplace populated. Tried to get together with close friends, but, that was a no-go. So, I got into the car, and zipped up a couple of towns to the nearest local city; Manchester, NH.
I found myself steering into Barnes and Noble, and quickly found myself in competition for a parking space. I pulled into a space that opened up, to avoid being hit by another motorist, and into the bookstore I strolled.
I was hungry, so I ordered some tea and a sandwich, while wishing the tea was really a nice glass of wine, and sat down to eat and type. I looked around while I was at it, and realized I had seated myself in front of the section of sex books aimed at women. Gods. That was a mis-placement, as I could care less about books like the Daily Sex Bible and Red-Hot Sex Secrets right now. Whatever happened to the days when men were supposed to be masterful, romantic, seductive and lead women into happily ever after? I want me some of that action, please.
So I turned my head to gaze at the other books. Now I'm convinced the Universe is laughing at me, for I'm looking at the self-improvement books. I dunno..heck of a choice, between looking at The Power of Now, and Red Hot Sex Secrets.
Oh wait, it gets better. There are two girls behind me, discussing weight, calories and diets. One is cheering the other because she's gone from 110 to 103 lbs. Like I needed to hear that. Please.
..and, in the loveliest of lovely endings, there is a parent sitting next to me with a couple of bratty kids. On my other side, is a man with the most annoying goddamn cell phone.
And it hits me. I'm surrounded by all the things I rejected many years ago, while thinking about my business. I figure I have had enough of trying very hard to be a sex goddess, artificial beauty standards (to a point), children that I never had, and annoying little devices that buzz, beep, ring and squeak. And the time to get on with my own life, and my own business, is now. Which is a repeat of a message I got earlier today. I want to say to the Universe, 'ok, I get it'. Because I got that far.
My next question is, which step do I undertake next, and what is the business ultimately going to look like? That would be..really helpful information.
For right this very second, though..I am going to take a deep breath and finish my tea, no matter what's going on around me. Peace, in my present moment.
Until next time...peace!
I found myself steering into Barnes and Noble, and quickly found myself in competition for a parking space. I pulled into a space that opened up, to avoid being hit by another motorist, and into the bookstore I strolled.
I was hungry, so I ordered some tea and a sandwich, while wishing the tea was really a nice glass of wine, and sat down to eat and type. I looked around while I was at it, and realized I had seated myself in front of the section of sex books aimed at women. Gods. That was a mis-placement, as I could care less about books like the Daily Sex Bible and Red-Hot Sex Secrets right now. Whatever happened to the days when men were supposed to be masterful, romantic, seductive and lead women into happily ever after? I want me some of that action, please.
So I turned my head to gaze at the other books. Now I'm convinced the Universe is laughing at me, for I'm looking at the self-improvement books. I dunno..heck of a choice, between looking at The Power of Now, and Red Hot Sex Secrets.
Oh wait, it gets better. There are two girls behind me, discussing weight, calories and diets. One is cheering the other because she's gone from 110 to 103 lbs. Like I needed to hear that. Please.
..and, in the loveliest of lovely endings, there is a parent sitting next to me with a couple of bratty kids. On my other side, is a man with the most annoying goddamn cell phone.
And it hits me. I'm surrounded by all the things I rejected many years ago, while thinking about my business. I figure I have had enough of trying very hard to be a sex goddess, artificial beauty standards (to a point), children that I never had, and annoying little devices that buzz, beep, ring and squeak. And the time to get on with my own life, and my own business, is now. Which is a repeat of a message I got earlier today. I want to say to the Universe, 'ok, I get it'. Because I got that far.
My next question is, which step do I undertake next, and what is the business ultimately going to look like? That would be..really helpful information.
For right this very second, though..I am going to take a deep breath and finish my tea, no matter what's going on around me. Peace, in my present moment.
Until next time...peace!
Unintended Consequences
For the past several months, almost everywhere I go are people who do nothing but bitch about their SO's, spouses and families, to the point where one would think it was a national pastime. Public bitching about one's partner or children, although I have done it myself when really frustrated in the past, is a pet peeve of mine.
Despite trying to be understanding, and despite having been an occasional perpetrator of this behavior myself, it still aggravates me when I hear others bitching about thier partners.
The last straw for me, was a couple of nights ago, when a someone I know decided it would be appropriate to get started with the bitching. I didn't really want to hear it, but I quietly listened anyway, although I wasn't really certain as to why, at that particular moment. So I sat and listened and hoped for the best of the lesson that was to be learned by this, would be learned painlessly and quickly so I could go on my merry way. My wish wasn't entirely granted.
A few days later, after a lot of flailing about and doing the 'why do I always get to deal with the kvetching people?' thing, I got a dose of clarity on exactly why I had started this blog, which in turn has evolved over a few months with an aim towards the business I am founding.
What I envision is a safe, wholistic retreat for people to actually do the work that prepares them for the best of what they were meant to do in this world, bringing skills from the corporate world, the business world, and the relationship counselling world, together. We've all heard the phrase 'For love, or money.'..well this place would bring the practical skills that could be taught in either the love arena, or the business arena, together.
I envision a place where people can learn how not to screw up thier relationships with the folks that they love. I envision a place where folks can learn to repair relationships that have gone off the rails. I envision a place where people can learn how to do or get thier businesses right. All this as opposed to flailing about in a sea of confusion.
I envision founding a charity of some sort, although that part of the picture isn't clear to me yet.
Then I realized what the Universe had been trying to tell me..it was to keep going with my dream!
Until next time..peace!
Despite trying to be understanding, and despite having been an occasional perpetrator of this behavior myself, it still aggravates me when I hear others bitching about thier partners.
The last straw for me, was a couple of nights ago, when a someone I know decided it would be appropriate to get started with the bitching. I didn't really want to hear it, but I quietly listened anyway, although I wasn't really certain as to why, at that particular moment. So I sat and listened and hoped for the best of the lesson that was to be learned by this, would be learned painlessly and quickly so I could go on my merry way. My wish wasn't entirely granted.
A few days later, after a lot of flailing about and doing the 'why do I always get to deal with the kvetching people?' thing, I got a dose of clarity on exactly why I had started this blog, which in turn has evolved over a few months with an aim towards the business I am founding.
What I envision is a safe, wholistic retreat for people to actually do the work that prepares them for the best of what they were meant to do in this world, bringing skills from the corporate world, the business world, and the relationship counselling world, together. We've all heard the phrase 'For love, or money.'..well this place would bring the practical skills that could be taught in either the love arena, or the business arena, together.
I envision a place where people can learn how not to screw up thier relationships with the folks that they love. I envision a place where folks can learn to repair relationships that have gone off the rails. I envision a place where people can learn how to do or get thier businesses right. All this as opposed to flailing about in a sea of confusion.
I envision founding a charity of some sort, although that part of the picture isn't clear to me yet.
Then I realized what the Universe had been trying to tell me..it was to keep going with my dream!
Until next time..peace!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Unexpected Small Joys
Yesterday morning, I woke up miserable and inclined to cry. I'm not sure why, I suspect it had something to do with the cold, clouds, and yet more hard-to-manage snow that continues to blanket my little part of New England. All I know is that, psychologically, I was down in the dumps, and the first thing I discovered is that my usual morning practice of reflection was doing me no favors; if anything, my mood was getting worse.
I tried to write anyway. I did. I was so, so miserable, however, that every attempt I made at actual writing, came out saying the exact opposite of what I had intended. Ack. Finally, I gave myself permission to back away from the writing and reflecting for a day, and instead busied myself with other things. Or tried to. I just couldn't bring myself to actually *do* much of anything. I felt..utterly worn out on all levels, and upon that realization, I began to cry about the current conditions of my life, and did not bother to try and resist it. I gave myself permission to just let it out and have done with it, and I did feel a bit better afterward.
However, my slightly improved mood was promptly dashed when my roommate asked me if I would bring her cats to the vet. They've been having issues that needed to be seen to, and so, we made the arrangments.
I was a bit annoyed when I went to catch my roommate's cats to get them into carriers. My roommate's cats do not have what Hiro Boga would refer to as sovereignty, by a long shot. So, there were instances of feline resistance and carryings-on which did not impress me one bit.
Finally, the lot of us make it to the vet, where they are, thank the heavens, fans of what they call 'caliente cats' (what I would affectionately call 'opinionated bastard cat'). The exam starts up, and, sure enough, it's as my roommate and I thought. One cat has an infection. The other cat, is apparently an asshole.
So armed with this confirmation of opinion, I agree to take the cats home, while my roommate hits the pet supply store to get the items the vet recommends to solve the 'out of litterbox experience' problem she's been having with the asshole cat.
On my way out the door, I spot a 4 month old German Shepherd puppy in the vet's waiting room, and my bad mood evaporated as if it had never been present. I love most animals anyway, and this little fellow was no exception. He was a the cutest thing, all ears and paws and 'ooooh won't you pleeeeease come play with me' expression. He was just too cute to *not* say hello to, and so I did.
The next thing I know, I've got an armload of a very enthusiastic GSD pup who is giving me kisses; I'm happy, laughing, and in that instant, it didn't matter if the rest of my life was pick-an-adjective-that- translates to -crappy..I was having a moment of joy, that ended all too soon, and that reminded me that once I have money, a farmhouse and some acreage again, I must look into the possibility of getting another dog.
Skipping forward over details that don't matter, I got the cats home, and waited for my roommate to return home with the items from the pet supply store that the vet had recommended. The look on my face when my roommate walked in with boxes and bags of stuff, must have been *priceless*. There were *huge* litterboxes of differing configurations, three different kinds of litter, and special doodads on top of that. One would have thought that the cats were visiting dignitaries.
Of course, right at that point, my roommate's dog starts barking his fluffy little head off. I am not known for how well I deal with pandemonium, so, I excuse myself to go snag wine at the store down the street, because my roommate is looking a little shell-shocked and like she could use a drink.
My next round of joy was when I purchased the wine. There I was at the checkout, with no makeup on, hair blown all over creation--and I got carded! This completely made my day, as I am, to be polite about it, well over twenty-one.
This round was immediately followed by another round of joy, when I wandered back into the house, and my roommate and I sat back, ate dinner, drank wine, and shot the breeze as girlfriends. I really enjoy these times with her.
..and the best part, this morning..I don't think either of us woke up to discover any 'out of litterbox experiences' had occurred during the night. Yahoo!
..and I am surrounded by happy pets.
So my lesson for the day yesterday and today, was to find and take the small joys when I could, which, in turn, makes room for the larger joys in life. I felt (and feel) blessed.
I tried to write anyway. I did. I was so, so miserable, however, that every attempt I made at actual writing, came out saying the exact opposite of what I had intended. Ack. Finally, I gave myself permission to back away from the writing and reflecting for a day, and instead busied myself with other things. Or tried to. I just couldn't bring myself to actually *do* much of anything. I felt..utterly worn out on all levels, and upon that realization, I began to cry about the current conditions of my life, and did not bother to try and resist it. I gave myself permission to just let it out and have done with it, and I did feel a bit better afterward.
However, my slightly improved mood was promptly dashed when my roommate asked me if I would bring her cats to the vet. They've been having issues that needed to be seen to, and so, we made the arrangments.
I was a bit annoyed when I went to catch my roommate's cats to get them into carriers. My roommate's cats do not have what Hiro Boga would refer to as sovereignty, by a long shot. So, there were instances of feline resistance and carryings-on which did not impress me one bit.
Finally, the lot of us make it to the vet, where they are, thank the heavens, fans of what they call 'caliente cats' (what I would affectionately call 'opinionated bastard cat'). The exam starts up, and, sure enough, it's as my roommate and I thought. One cat has an infection. The other cat, is apparently an asshole.
So armed with this confirmation of opinion, I agree to take the cats home, while my roommate hits the pet supply store to get the items the vet recommends to solve the 'out of litterbox experience' problem she's been having with the asshole cat.
On my way out the door, I spot a 4 month old German Shepherd puppy in the vet's waiting room, and my bad mood evaporated as if it had never been present. I love most animals anyway, and this little fellow was no exception. He was a the cutest thing, all ears and paws and 'ooooh won't you pleeeeease come play with me' expression. He was just too cute to *not* say hello to, and so I did.
The next thing I know, I've got an armload of a very enthusiastic GSD pup who is giving me kisses; I'm happy, laughing, and in that instant, it didn't matter if the rest of my life was pick-an-adjective-that- translates to -crappy..I was having a moment of joy, that ended all too soon, and that reminded me that once I have money, a farmhouse and some acreage again, I must look into the possibility of getting another dog.
Skipping forward over details that don't matter, I got the cats home, and waited for my roommate to return home with the items from the pet supply store that the vet had recommended. The look on my face when my roommate walked in with boxes and bags of stuff, must have been *priceless*. There were *huge* litterboxes of differing configurations, three different kinds of litter, and special doodads on top of that. One would have thought that the cats were visiting dignitaries.
Of course, right at that point, my roommate's dog starts barking his fluffy little head off. I am not known for how well I deal with pandemonium, so, I excuse myself to go snag wine at the store down the street, because my roommate is looking a little shell-shocked and like she could use a drink.
My next round of joy was when I purchased the wine. There I was at the checkout, with no makeup on, hair blown all over creation--and I got carded! This completely made my day, as I am, to be polite about it, well over twenty-one.
This round was immediately followed by another round of joy, when I wandered back into the house, and my roommate and I sat back, ate dinner, drank wine, and shot the breeze as girlfriends. I really enjoy these times with her.
..and the best part, this morning..I don't think either of us woke up to discover any 'out of litterbox experiences' had occurred during the night. Yahoo!
..and I am surrounded by happy pets.
So my lesson for the day yesterday and today, was to find and take the small joys when I could, which, in turn, makes room for the larger joys in life. I felt (and feel) blessed.
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Day After a Panic Attack
It's the morning after a panic attack. Didn't sleep well. Still a bit queasy. Still anxious. Otherwise OK, except for the mental gear grinding going on in my head, that I promised myself I wasn't going to do--at least not while alone. My psyche, however, seemed to have other ideas, so, I went ahead did it alone. Miraculously, it helped more than it hurt, when I was scared that the opposite would turn out to be true.
I got as comfortable as I was going to get, let my mind drift a bit, and started wondering why I'd had this panic attack and what I needed to learn from it, because I couldn't quite see any logical rationale behind it.
So I sat with the question, and, in due course, the answer came. Of course it was a facepalm moment, because, along with answering the primary query, it answered many other 'why the hell do I do that/think that way?' questions.
The whole panic attack thing came about because I am still working on so many things related to love, and fear; they got all jumbled together yesterday morning in a horrible mishmash that I wouldn't want to try to sort out on a bet, but, the message was clear--there are so many lotteries to win--and some, you don't want to win.
That's right about the time that I realized that I panicked because parts of my own internal support structure were still out of whack, and that if I wanted to actually have them all lined up and functional (as I do), I was going to actually have to re-develop a belief that when I voice to people what my needs and wants are, I would be doing so with confidence that I would be met where I was in the present time (as opposed to past or future time), and that my needs, or at least an acceptable compromise on those needs, would actually be met, and not get shot down for fun, or out of malice.
That belief is a big huge honking uncertain thing for me, with tremendous odds, to say the least. Kinda like playing any lottery I would want to win.
Until next time..peace.
I got as comfortable as I was going to get, let my mind drift a bit, and started wondering why I'd had this panic attack and what I needed to learn from it, because I couldn't quite see any logical rationale behind it.
So I sat with the question, and, in due course, the answer came. Of course it was a facepalm moment, because, along with answering the primary query, it answered many other 'why the hell do I do that/think that way?' questions.
The whole panic attack thing came about because I am still working on so many things related to love, and fear; they got all jumbled together yesterday morning in a horrible mishmash that I wouldn't want to try to sort out on a bet, but, the message was clear--there are so many lotteries to win--and some, you don't want to win.
That's right about the time that I realized that I panicked because parts of my own internal support structure were still out of whack, and that if I wanted to actually have them all lined up and functional (as I do), I was going to actually have to re-develop a belief that when I voice to people what my needs and wants are, I would be doing so with confidence that I would be met where I was in the present time (as opposed to past or future time), and that my needs, or at least an acceptable compromise on those needs, would actually be met, and not get shot down for fun, or out of malice.
That belief is a big huge honking uncertain thing for me, with tremendous odds, to say the least. Kinda like playing any lottery I would want to win.
Until next time..peace.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
A Devotee of Personal Development Falls Down on the Job
This morning I woke up to my roommates having a discussion about lottery ticket numbers, that rather uncomfortably reminded me of a whole bunch of circumstances I went through as a kid, that oh-so-co-operatively played out in my mind's eye in what is best described as a rattly- jerky, time-faded, poorly-spliced series of Super 8 films.
That series of not-fun scenes, coming into my semi-consciousness so suddenly after having just awakened, freaked me out so hard that I didn't even even stop to think about why I was freaked out, nor did I even stop to shower. I had the heebie-jeebies at that point such that I threw some clothes on, and tried like hell to maintain my composure in front of my roommates when I encountered them in the kitchen, on my way out the door to just *flee*.
Even though I wished I could have floored the accelerator of my car once out of the driveway, thereby launching my little pocket-rocket of a car into next week, I had to drive with diligence, due to the roads being treated for ice in a somewhat half-assed fashion.
I vociferously cursed the Road Agent as I meandered the familiar, curving streets, slipping every so often until I made it to a main road, closer to my objective, which in that moment, was coffee and a spot where I could just breathe for awhile. What I really wanted to do was hit the racetrack for a high-speed sanity run (the racetrack is closed for the season, alas). I was in full-on panic-panic-panic-RUN mode at that point, and I knew the best thing I could do was stay on the main roads and stay focused on the familiar streets, sounds and buildings until I got some coffee and got to a safe place to stop.
Coffee finally in hand, I made a beeline to my go-to spot to get my head back on straight, which is the park that houses the pond where, as a child, I had taken swimming lessons. I figured that I'd pretty much have the place to myself, save for the few other die-hard regulars of the coffee-sipping brother-and-sisterhood that I'd see sometimes on Sunday mornings, along with a couple of brave dog-walkers.
Imagine my surprise when this did not turn out to be the case. The edge of the park that overlooks the water, where I usually park, had a boatload more people than usual..either reading, or staring blankly down at the water as they absently sipped coffee. My first thought was that maybe they were all freaked out about something too.
Parking the car at the edge of the water in the company of my fellow consumers of coffee, I was struck by how quickly we all fell into sync. Looking at the water. Looking at the silly person walking their dog. (it was cute. Someone was throwing snowballs for the dog to catch) Sip coffee. Read. Rinse, repeat.
After settling down some, I concentrated on my breathing. Nothing else as I breathed in, and out. Long. Slow. It only went so far, though, as I'm still getting the shaky feelings. Hours later.
I still don't know for sure what underlying something set me off this morning, and I don't know as I want to look at that one too closely just yet..at least not while alone. Ah well..so much for being done with this panic stuff.
It's a good thing that being in personal development doesn't mean that one has to be panic-attack-free.
Until next time..peace.
That series of not-fun scenes, coming into my semi-consciousness so suddenly after having just awakened, freaked me out so hard that I didn't even even stop to think about why I was freaked out, nor did I even stop to shower. I had the heebie-jeebies at that point such that I threw some clothes on, and tried like hell to maintain my composure in front of my roommates when I encountered them in the kitchen, on my way out the door to just *flee*.
Even though I wished I could have floored the accelerator of my car once out of the driveway, thereby launching my little pocket-rocket of a car into next week, I had to drive with diligence, due to the roads being treated for ice in a somewhat half-assed fashion.
I vociferously cursed the Road Agent as I meandered the familiar, curving streets, slipping every so often until I made it to a main road, closer to my objective, which in that moment, was coffee and a spot where I could just breathe for awhile. What I really wanted to do was hit the racetrack for a high-speed sanity run (the racetrack is closed for the season, alas). I was in full-on panic-panic-panic-RUN mode at that point, and I knew the best thing I could do was stay on the main roads and stay focused on the familiar streets, sounds and buildings until I got some coffee and got to a safe place to stop.
Coffee finally in hand, I made a beeline to my go-to spot to get my head back on straight, which is the park that houses the pond where, as a child, I had taken swimming lessons. I figured that I'd pretty much have the place to myself, save for the few other die-hard regulars of the coffee-sipping brother-and-sisterhood that I'd see sometimes on Sunday mornings, along with a couple of brave dog-walkers.
Imagine my surprise when this did not turn out to be the case. The edge of the park that overlooks the water, where I usually park, had a boatload more people than usual..either reading, or staring blankly down at the water as they absently sipped coffee. My first thought was that maybe they were all freaked out about something too.
Parking the car at the edge of the water in the company of my fellow consumers of coffee, I was struck by how quickly we all fell into sync. Looking at the water. Looking at the silly person walking their dog. (it was cute. Someone was throwing snowballs for the dog to catch) Sip coffee. Read. Rinse, repeat.
After settling down some, I concentrated on my breathing. Nothing else as I breathed in, and out. Long. Slow. It only went so far, though, as I'm still getting the shaky feelings. Hours later.
I still don't know for sure what underlying something set me off this morning, and I don't know as I want to look at that one too closely just yet..at least not while alone. Ah well..so much for being done with this panic stuff.
It's a good thing that being in personal development doesn't mean that one has to be panic-attack-free.
Until next time..peace.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Letting Go of a Very Important Object
It's getting ready to storm again in New Hampshire, which is getting somewhere between ridiculous and oppressive. All this snow, towering all over everything. Roofs caving in under snow loads. Roof contractors making megabucks shovelling snow off of roofs--and being able to pick and choose the roofs they will and will not work on.
Pipes freezing, heating systems quitting, more than one contractor friend of mine going flat-out...
..and here I am, debating on whether it is time for me to give up a winter coat that advertises a company that makes a product I don't currently use.
Now, on the surface of the matter, one would think I was nuts. I have Raynaud's Disease, which leaves me intolerant to cold, and this is a very warm coat, so giving it up could safely be considered a foolish move, on the surface of the matter. Looking past that, however, is the history of the thing, moving forward to the present day.
I got this coat from a contractor when I really needed a warmer coat, because it was cold out and I was freezing my ass off. I was (and still am) very grateful for this coat, and to and for the person who gave it to me. However, due to time and use, I've got to decide whether to repair the coat, or retire it.
The zipper is breaking in chunks, and because I've lost weight, the coat is now several sizes too big. Monetarily, I could probably buy a new coat for what it would cost to repair this coat I love so much. and I'm getting kind of tired of, but not intolerably so, of being approached by older gentleman contractors and engineers and being asked "Honey, do you know what Slant Fin makes?" (Older gentlemen contractors and engineers seem to adore me for some reason, and I do know what Slant Fin makes.) At any other time, in any other place, I'd have given up this breaking down coat and replaced it in a heartbeat. I'm having a hard time with this one, despite the fact that I do have a coat that would replace it.
I still love that I have the co-ordinating-with-a-clash accessories (my Scarf-of-Many-Colors and black fleece mittens), that, coupled with this big bright red coat, assure that I am seen no matter where I go. I consider this a win on all fronts, because many of my activities are solitary, and if something goes horrendously horribly wrong, I do want to be rescued.
Well, last night, while I was doing my grocery shopping, I was also doing some musing about why I haven't replaced or repaired this coat. Then I saw this older couple. Maybe in their seventies. They were so small, fragile and cute together as they did their grocery shopping, holding hands and lost in each other. So careful and courteous of each other. It was a thing to watch, and it made me smile. *I* want a marriage like that--although I can do without the physical fragility part for myself, thankyouverymuch.
It hit me. I wasn't giving up this coat willingly just yet, because it represents the gift of a literal security blanket from the person who gave it to me. While it also garnered positive and safe attention, I realized that it really wasn't the sort of attention I really wanted. If I'm going to get approached by folks, I want to be asked about my own business, dammit!
Obviously this state of realizations required some further thought. So I finished my grocery shopping, and headed home for a glass of wine, a square of dark chocolate, and some dinner. When I walked in the door, I was greeted by my roommate's dog, a Pomeranian puppy, barking his furry little head off for attention.
So while I got dinner going, thinking about this state of affairs, the dog just kept barking and barking and carrying on, while Lou and Bullet (two of the three cats in residence) kept jumping on the table and getting into things. Quiet thought was completely failing to happen. Finally, I snagged the puppy, dispensed with the household rules of no cats on the kitchen table, and between the dog winding up in my lap, along with the cats being on opposite sides of the kitchen table, we all had family time, with much love, petting, and touching of noses until the oven timer bing-ed; I put the puppy back in his playpen, and shooed the cats off of the table--and all parties stayed quiet and well-behaved, as I finally understood the lesson.
People and other beings give the kind of love, appreciation and gratitude they are capable of in a given moment. Not all of them are meant to last forever, and that's OK.
Until next time...peace.
Pipes freezing, heating systems quitting, more than one contractor friend of mine going flat-out...
..and here I am, debating on whether it is time for me to give up a winter coat that advertises a company that makes a product I don't currently use.
Now, on the surface of the matter, one would think I was nuts. I have Raynaud's Disease, which leaves me intolerant to cold, and this is a very warm coat, so giving it up could safely be considered a foolish move, on the surface of the matter. Looking past that, however, is the history of the thing, moving forward to the present day.
I got this coat from a contractor when I really needed a warmer coat, because it was cold out and I was freezing my ass off. I was (and still am) very grateful for this coat, and to and for the person who gave it to me. However, due to time and use, I've got to decide whether to repair the coat, or retire it.
The zipper is breaking in chunks, and because I've lost weight, the coat is now several sizes too big. Monetarily, I could probably buy a new coat for what it would cost to repair this coat I love so much. and I'm getting kind of tired of, but not intolerably so, of being approached by older gentleman contractors and engineers and being asked "Honey, do you know what Slant Fin makes?" (Older gentlemen contractors and engineers seem to adore me for some reason, and I do know what Slant Fin makes.) At any other time, in any other place, I'd have given up this breaking down coat and replaced it in a heartbeat. I'm having a hard time with this one, despite the fact that I do have a coat that would replace it.
I still love that I have the co-ordinating-with-a-clash accessories (my Scarf-of-Many-Colors and black fleece mittens), that, coupled with this big bright red coat, assure that I am seen no matter where I go. I consider this a win on all fronts, because many of my activities are solitary, and if something goes horrendously horribly wrong, I do want to be rescued.
Well, last night, while I was doing my grocery shopping, I was also doing some musing about why I haven't replaced or repaired this coat. Then I saw this older couple. Maybe in their seventies. They were so small, fragile and cute together as they did their grocery shopping, holding hands and lost in each other. So careful and courteous of each other. It was a thing to watch, and it made me smile. *I* want a marriage like that--although I can do without the physical fragility part for myself, thankyouverymuch.
It hit me. I wasn't giving up this coat willingly just yet, because it represents the gift of a literal security blanket from the person who gave it to me. While it also garnered positive and safe attention, I realized that it really wasn't the sort of attention I really wanted. If I'm going to get approached by folks, I want to be asked about my own business, dammit!
Obviously this state of realizations required some further thought. So I finished my grocery shopping, and headed home for a glass of wine, a square of dark chocolate, and some dinner. When I walked in the door, I was greeted by my roommate's dog, a Pomeranian puppy, barking his furry little head off for attention.
So while I got dinner going, thinking about this state of affairs, the dog just kept barking and barking and carrying on, while Lou and Bullet (two of the three cats in residence) kept jumping on the table and getting into things. Quiet thought was completely failing to happen. Finally, I snagged the puppy, dispensed with the household rules of no cats on the kitchen table, and between the dog winding up in my lap, along with the cats being on opposite sides of the kitchen table, we all had family time, with much love, petting, and touching of noses until the oven timer bing-ed; I put the puppy back in his playpen, and shooed the cats off of the table--and all parties stayed quiet and well-behaved, as I finally understood the lesson.
People and other beings give the kind of love, appreciation and gratitude they are capable of in a given moment. Not all of them are meant to last forever, and that's OK.
Until next time...peace.
Friday, February 4, 2011
A Night of Observations
Yesterday, I finally got the chance to sit down and have coffee with a gentleman friend, to talk about my new business, The House of Clues, and get his take on a few things. I also wanted to ask him to join me in the teaching of processes that I don't feel comfortable taking on alone.
So we're talking, and I'm bouncing ideas off of him while we're shooting the breeze, and he kept coming back to the point of that I should be teaching what I know. Which is an even throw between obvious, helpful and non-helpful. Because it is, obviously, something I'd intended to do in the first place. I already learned how not to bite off more than I could chew, back when I lived in the needy old house.
I was resistant to what he was saying to me, too, because what I know-- and can teach on my own-- is not always the prettiest of processes. Quite definitely not pretty, as a matter of fact. I can teach people ways to get unstuck from the emotional aspects of chronic pain, and ways to detach from the toxicity in relationships, and approach either issue from a standpoint of unconditional love, using experiential and mind-body techniques; but when folks are processing heavily emotional things, it isn't always pretty. I know this, I accept this; I had envisioned something rather different for my business, than requiring a paper goods contract with Kleenex with which to sop up tears!
What I thought I wanted to teach was something different. I thought I wanted to teach basic survival skills leading up to not getting stuck in an emotional experience of chronic pain, or avoiding getting caught up in a toxic relationship in the first place. I had thought, initially, that would be better.
There was laughter. There was an internal, 'oh shit', as I realized my gentleman friend was right. Quickly followed thereafter by an expression of concern immediately followed by an order from him to take care of myself. We were so involved in the conversation that we had not realized that the Raynaud's Disease, a condition which I have,was flaring up again, and my hands were blue as a result. Whoops.
We both know from experience that the best thing to do to stop a flare, is to get me into a controlled, calm & warm environment ASAP, and so, cutting our meeting short and getting me into the car was the best thing to do.
By the time I got to my car, I knew it was going to be a bad flare; I wasn't too worried, since, in the car, I can turn the heater up full blast and the only person that is going to melt, is me--and this is a good thing.
Making a long story short, I got through the flare, and, when I was in a safe place to do so, even got to go into self-hypnosis to ask some questions; the information I got in returns was actually something I could do something with, for a change. Maybe not first calling the disease every name in the book helps.
The crux of the matter is that I am on the right track towards wanting to blog and teach via many methods. I just have to actually *do* it, one step at a time, using my gentleman friend as necessary, and not be afraid of the process, because I will survive, and thrive.
Until next time..peace!
So we're talking, and I'm bouncing ideas off of him while we're shooting the breeze, and he kept coming back to the point of that I should be teaching what I know. Which is an even throw between obvious, helpful and non-helpful. Because it is, obviously, something I'd intended to do in the first place. I already learned how not to bite off more than I could chew, back when I lived in the needy old house.
I was resistant to what he was saying to me, too, because what I know-- and can teach on my own-- is not always the prettiest of processes. Quite definitely not pretty, as a matter of fact. I can teach people ways to get unstuck from the emotional aspects of chronic pain, and ways to detach from the toxicity in relationships, and approach either issue from a standpoint of unconditional love, using experiential and mind-body techniques; but when folks are processing heavily emotional things, it isn't always pretty. I know this, I accept this; I had envisioned something rather different for my business, than requiring a paper goods contract with Kleenex with which to sop up tears!
What I thought I wanted to teach was something different. I thought I wanted to teach basic survival skills leading up to not getting stuck in an emotional experience of chronic pain, or avoiding getting caught up in a toxic relationship in the first place. I had thought, initially, that would be better.
There was laughter. There was an internal, 'oh shit', as I realized my gentleman friend was right. Quickly followed thereafter by an expression of concern immediately followed by an order from him to take care of myself. We were so involved in the conversation that we had not realized that the Raynaud's Disease, a condition which I have,was flaring up again, and my hands were blue as a result. Whoops.
We both know from experience that the best thing to do to stop a flare, is to get me into a controlled, calm & warm environment ASAP, and so, cutting our meeting short and getting me into the car was the best thing to do.
By the time I got to my car, I knew it was going to be a bad flare; I wasn't too worried, since, in the car, I can turn the heater up full blast and the only person that is going to melt, is me--and this is a good thing.
Making a long story short, I got through the flare, and, when I was in a safe place to do so, even got to go into self-hypnosis to ask some questions; the information I got in returns was actually something I could do something with, for a change. Maybe not first calling the disease every name in the book helps.
The crux of the matter is that I am on the right track towards wanting to blog and teach via many methods. I just have to actually *do* it, one step at a time, using my gentleman friend as necessary, and not be afraid of the process, because I will survive, and thrive.
Until next time..peace!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Business Lessons by Way of the Kitchen
It was a wickedly snowy day today, here in New Hampshire. It was a good day to stay in and make all manner of yummy homemade foods in between the acts of reading instructional materials for the business. So, that is what I did, along with my roommate.
Now my roommate and I have, between us, engaged in some very interesting life experiences, to put the matter mildly. While we sliced, chopped, sauteed, mixed, baked and stewed, we got to chattering a bit about our experiences back in the day, as women do.
Now, lost in the moment, I just started to cook pretty much on a loving autopilot, as I've been doing the cooking thing since I was old enough to see over the top of the stove, and so completely failing to realize at first, that my roommate, who hasn't had the benefit of either my years of experience, nor my practical instruction at the art of cooking, was losing some of the love for what she was doing.
When I finally realized that, I promptly, and hopefully not too abruptly, stepped in, solved the problem, showed her how to address the problem, explained why she had run into trouble in the first place, and how to avoid it going forward.
From there, she and I started talking about how sad it is, that some folks just don't have some of the necessary survival skills to make it in the world. At the time, we were talking about basic culinary skills, but, wouldn't you know it, from there, the wheels in my head began to turn.
My business, still in its formative stages, originally started off as practical instruction about the basics of business and relationships, with a slightly sarcastic edge. I can do sarcastic and edgy (and how!), when the occasion calls for it. However, there was something about the sarcastic approach for the business that just didn't sit right with me.
I know that I have never appreciated being responded to in a sarcastic manner by someone when I've had questions about a given thing, and I only rarely see the point in inflicting that sort of behavior upon anyone else. Why I agreed to the sarcasm thing in the first place--well, it seemed like a good idea at the time it was initially posited.
It dawned on me then, standing in the middle of the kitchen, that what I wanted to accomplish in my business, could be much more effectively communicated with love, respect, kindness and a gentle sense of humor, and that what I wanted to communicate, had to be dropped down a couple of levels, back to the very basics, and built up from there.
I rather uncomfortably realized, too, that I simply did not want to do this by myself. I could definitely use another set of hands, but also sadly, yet radically accepted that I might not get this other set of hands straightaway, if at all.
By this time, the active part of the cooking was done, so, with all the fresh realizations in my head, I started reading the manuals for putting together an Internet business, and started to put the information to work. But not before emailing the person I'd want to be my second set of hands and at least respectfully giving them the chance to help.
Until next time..peace.
Now my roommate and I have, between us, engaged in some very interesting life experiences, to put the matter mildly. While we sliced, chopped, sauteed, mixed, baked and stewed, we got to chattering a bit about our experiences back in the day, as women do.
Now, lost in the moment, I just started to cook pretty much on a loving autopilot, as I've been doing the cooking thing since I was old enough to see over the top of the stove, and so completely failing to realize at first, that my roommate, who hasn't had the benefit of either my years of experience, nor my practical instruction at the art of cooking, was losing some of the love for what she was doing.
When I finally realized that, I promptly, and hopefully not too abruptly, stepped in, solved the problem, showed her how to address the problem, explained why she had run into trouble in the first place, and how to avoid it going forward.
From there, she and I started talking about how sad it is, that some folks just don't have some of the necessary survival skills to make it in the world. At the time, we were talking about basic culinary skills, but, wouldn't you know it, from there, the wheels in my head began to turn.
My business, still in its formative stages, originally started off as practical instruction about the basics of business and relationships, with a slightly sarcastic edge. I can do sarcastic and edgy (and how!), when the occasion calls for it. However, there was something about the sarcastic approach for the business that just didn't sit right with me.
I know that I have never appreciated being responded to in a sarcastic manner by someone when I've had questions about a given thing, and I only rarely see the point in inflicting that sort of behavior upon anyone else. Why I agreed to the sarcasm thing in the first place--well, it seemed like a good idea at the time it was initially posited.
It dawned on me then, standing in the middle of the kitchen, that what I wanted to accomplish in my business, could be much more effectively communicated with love, respect, kindness and a gentle sense of humor, and that what I wanted to communicate, had to be dropped down a couple of levels, back to the very basics, and built up from there.
I rather uncomfortably realized, too, that I simply did not want to do this by myself. I could definitely use another set of hands, but also sadly, yet radically accepted that I might not get this other set of hands straightaway, if at all.
By this time, the active part of the cooking was done, so, with all the fresh realizations in my head, I started reading the manuals for putting together an Internet business, and started to put the information to work. But not before emailing the person I'd want to be my second set of hands and at least respectfully giving them the chance to help.
Until next time..peace.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
What a Moment of Discomfort Can Teach
I wrote this longhand a few days ago, and am now coming back to type it out as a post.
Today, I was in the mood to go for walk and maybe snap some photos. However, it's pretty cold here in New Hampshire, and, in places, there are several feet of snow on the ground. Not exactly ideal conditions to go traipsing around in.
I realized that my best and safest choice was to snag the camera just in case I saw something interesting, dig the car out of the snow, and take a drive to the Mall to do some walking around. Once dug out, I drove a different route than usual, on the still-icy streets, in the hopes of seeing something interesting, but, that was a no-go. Just more suburbia. Foo.
Finally arriving at my destination, I realized I was still chilled from having dug out the car in the first place, and with that realization, the first thing I did was snag a little cup of coffee to warm myself with while I set about my walk.
Coffee in hand, the first thing I noticed was that the 'buy buy buy' thing was *everywhere*. It was really uncomfortable at first. Yes, I know it was a shopping mall, and I know we're in a recession and all that jazz, and I know the competition for dollars is intense. It was still almost surreal how much blatant marketing there was, though. There was just so *much* of it. Too much for the space, really.
The vague sense of discomfort continued to get stronger, the further into the Mall proper I wandered, and I elected to do something different. Getting ahold of myself, I allowed the lights, the sounds, the smells and the ads to be self-hypnosis aids, and from there, I asked the discomfort I was experiencing to show me what it wanted to teach me, and it did not disappoint as I wandered around, looking at all the goods for sale, and watching all the assorted people around me scurrying to and fro. Allowing the whole scene to just be what it was.
Slowly, it dawned on me that I had either owned an object similar already to what I was seeing in the window, currently owned it, or had no need for the given object--and that it was all good.
Looking in the shop windows, I inwardly laughed politely at the Victoria's Secret display, because I'm a bit too well-endowed to carry off those sweet little nothing bits of lingerie. Once upon a time, however, I loved the stuff they put out.
Observing the offerings in some of the other shop windows, I realized with a smile that the fashions of the 80's are making a comeback. However, I'm not wearing seriously short skirts ever again, and I realized that I was OK with that.
I continued to stroll, and feel my feelings, and walking back and forth in my head between present time and a life already lived, smiling a bit at the memories, and being completely ok with where I was, rested spiritually, and ready to take on the next part of my evolution as a person.
Once I fully processed that realization, the sense of un-ease went away, and I was filled with a sense of calm and happiness. At least until I walked out of the Mall and back into the weather, whereupon I swore a bit at the cold and promised myself that I was moving to a warmer climate asap.
Until next time..peace
Today, I was in the mood to go for walk and maybe snap some photos. However, it's pretty cold here in New Hampshire, and, in places, there are several feet of snow on the ground. Not exactly ideal conditions to go traipsing around in.
I realized that my best and safest choice was to snag the camera just in case I saw something interesting, dig the car out of the snow, and take a drive to the Mall to do some walking around. Once dug out, I drove a different route than usual, on the still-icy streets, in the hopes of seeing something interesting, but, that was a no-go. Just more suburbia. Foo.
Finally arriving at my destination, I realized I was still chilled from having dug out the car in the first place, and with that realization, the first thing I did was snag a little cup of coffee to warm myself with while I set about my walk.
Coffee in hand, the first thing I noticed was that the 'buy buy buy' thing was *everywhere*. It was really uncomfortable at first. Yes, I know it was a shopping mall, and I know we're in a recession and all that jazz, and I know the competition for dollars is intense. It was still almost surreal how much blatant marketing there was, though. There was just so *much* of it. Too much for the space, really.
The vague sense of discomfort continued to get stronger, the further into the Mall proper I wandered, and I elected to do something different. Getting ahold of myself, I allowed the lights, the sounds, the smells and the ads to be self-hypnosis aids, and from there, I asked the discomfort I was experiencing to show me what it wanted to teach me, and it did not disappoint as I wandered around, looking at all the goods for sale, and watching all the assorted people around me scurrying to and fro. Allowing the whole scene to just be what it was.
Slowly, it dawned on me that I had either owned an object similar already to what I was seeing in the window, currently owned it, or had no need for the given object--and that it was all good.
Looking in the shop windows, I inwardly laughed politely at the Victoria's Secret display, because I'm a bit too well-endowed to carry off those sweet little nothing bits of lingerie. Once upon a time, however, I loved the stuff they put out.
Observing the offerings in some of the other shop windows, I realized with a smile that the fashions of the 80's are making a comeback. However, I'm not wearing seriously short skirts ever again, and I realized that I was OK with that.
I continued to stroll, and feel my feelings, and walking back and forth in my head between present time and a life already lived, smiling a bit at the memories, and being completely ok with where I was, rested spiritually, and ready to take on the next part of my evolution as a person.
Once I fully processed that realization, the sense of un-ease went away, and I was filled with a sense of calm and happiness. At least until I walked out of the Mall and back into the weather, whereupon I swore a bit at the cold and promised myself that I was moving to a warmer climate asap.
Until next time..peace
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