It's the morning after a panic attack. Didn't sleep well. Still a bit queasy. Still anxious. Otherwise OK, except for the mental gear grinding going on in my head, that I promised myself I wasn't going to do--at least not while alone. My psyche, however, seemed to have other ideas, so, I went ahead did it alone. Miraculously, it helped more than it hurt, when I was scared that the opposite would turn out to be true.
I got as comfortable as I was going to get, let my mind drift a bit, and started wondering why I'd had this panic attack and what I needed to learn from it, because I couldn't quite see any logical rationale behind it.
So I sat with the question, and, in due course, the answer came. Of course it was a facepalm moment, because, along with answering the primary query, it answered many other 'why the hell do I do that/think that way?' questions.
The whole panic attack thing came about because I am still working on so many things related to love, and fear; they got all jumbled together yesterday morning in a horrible mishmash that I wouldn't want to try to sort out on a bet, but, the message was clear--there are so many lotteries to win--and some, you don't want to win.
That's right about the time that I realized that I panicked because parts of my own internal support structure were still out of whack, and that if I wanted to actually have them all lined up and functional (as I do), I was going to actually have to re-develop a belief that when I voice to people what my needs and wants are, I would be doing so with confidence that I would be met where I was in the present time (as opposed to past or future time), and that my needs, or at least an acceptable compromise on those needs, would actually be met, and not get shot down for fun, or out of malice.
That belief is a big huge honking uncertain thing for me, with tremendous odds, to say the least. Kinda like playing any lottery I would want to win.
Until next time..peace.
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