This morning I woke up to my roommates having a discussion about lottery ticket numbers, that rather uncomfortably reminded me of a whole bunch of circumstances I went through as a kid, that oh-so-co-operatively played out in my mind's eye in what is best described as a rattly- jerky, time-faded, poorly-spliced series of Super 8 films.
That series of not-fun scenes, coming into my semi-consciousness so suddenly after having just awakened, freaked me out so hard that I didn't even even stop to think about why I was freaked out, nor did I even stop to shower. I had the heebie-jeebies at that point such that I threw some clothes on, and tried like hell to maintain my composure in front of my roommates when I encountered them in the kitchen, on my way out the door to just *flee*.
Even though I wished I could have floored the accelerator of my car once out of the driveway, thereby launching my little pocket-rocket of a car into next week, I had to drive with diligence, due to the roads being treated for ice in a somewhat half-assed fashion.
I vociferously cursed the Road Agent as I meandered the familiar, curving streets, slipping every so often until I made it to a main road, closer to my objective, which in that moment, was coffee and a spot where I could just breathe for awhile. What I really wanted to do was hit the racetrack for a high-speed sanity run (the racetrack is closed for the season, alas). I was in full-on panic-panic-panic-RUN mode at that point, and I knew the best thing I could do was stay on the main roads and stay focused on the familiar streets, sounds and buildings until I got some coffee and got to a safe place to stop.
Coffee finally in hand, I made a beeline to my go-to spot to get my head back on straight, which is the park that houses the pond where, as a child, I had taken swimming lessons. I figured that I'd pretty much have the place to myself, save for the few other die-hard regulars of the coffee-sipping brother-and-sisterhood that I'd see sometimes on Sunday mornings, along with a couple of brave dog-walkers.
Imagine my surprise when this did not turn out to be the case. The edge of the park that overlooks the water, where I usually park, had a boatload more people than usual..either reading, or staring blankly down at the water as they absently sipped coffee. My first thought was that maybe they were all freaked out about something too.
Parking the car at the edge of the water in the company of my fellow consumers of coffee, I was struck by how quickly we all fell into sync. Looking at the water. Looking at the silly person walking their dog. (it was cute. Someone was throwing snowballs for the dog to catch) Sip coffee. Read. Rinse, repeat.
After settling down some, I concentrated on my breathing. Nothing else as I breathed in, and out. Long. Slow. It only went so far, though, as I'm still getting the shaky feelings. Hours later.
I still don't know for sure what underlying something set me off this morning, and I don't know as I want to look at that one too closely just yet..at least not while alone. Ah well..so much for being done with this panic stuff.
It's a good thing that being in personal development doesn't mean that one has to be panic-attack-free.
Until next time..peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment