I was thinking about this phenomenon this morning, and started to wonder if that were, in fact, true. What is really being expressed in those moments? I’m not so sure it’s love, unconditional or otherwise, in either word, deed, or thought, when it comes to those awkward moments we all experience sometimes. The phrase ‘I love you anyway’ gets used as a neat cover for other emotions, or as a cover for what someone really wants to say, but, for whatever reason, is neither felt, nor said.
In the course of my thoughts, I noticed, too, that as an adjunct to ‘I love you anyway’, that there are a lot of ways that the expression ‘I love you’ is mis-used as well; frequently in the same ways, or at least parallel to, ’I love you anyway’. To complicate matters further, I have actually said and heard ‘I love you’ and ‘I love you anyway’ in mis-use, in the course of the same conversation, back before I made the decision to get involved in personal development.
Taking a page out of the book of my story: Many years ago, I borrowed the van of my (then) fiance, because I needed to take something or another to the town dump. While at the dump, I bumped a post with the van and did not, at the time, realize that I had done so.
To further complicate matters, after I made my drop-off at the dump, I took the van to the local shopping center, to complete my errands for that day, before bringing the van back to my fiance. I noticed the damage while parked at the shopping center, and surmised that someone had hit the van while I was doing my shopping. Being me, I promptly went to three different body shops to get estimates for his insurance company, which is how these things were done at the time, according to local custom.
When my fiance got home from work, I explained matters as I understood them to be in that moment. After I made and ate dinner with him, I handed over the quotes from the body shops, and I can only assume that he had our respective insurance companies take care of the matter from there, as I don’t remember anything ever being said to the contrary.
With the information I had at the time, I had done all the right things. I was party to an error being made, and I took my part of what I thought I was responsible for, dealt with it appropriately, and moved on.
Well, the next time I went to the dump, I took my car. Upon entering, I saw the paint the same color as the van, still on the entry guidepost. I was embarrassed. I did not know what to do, and so, figured the wisest course would be to just keep my mouth shut and just ignore my embarrassment.
A few months later, as a young newlywed, my new husband and I were watching Arsenio Hall on television, and the subject of the evening was confessions. I don’t remember the whole conversation that ensued between my husband and I, but, I will never forget blurting out, with tears running down my face, what had really happened to the van, that I’d discovered after the fact.
I was so full of apologies, finally ending in a whole sobbing meltdown with a very teary ‘I love you’. When what I really meant was a reiteration boiling down to ‘I’m sorry for not being as good a driver as I thought I was; I’m also terribly afraid of your reaction.’
Now, my (then) husband, was not the most demonstrative sort of guy at that point in his life. So, as I recall it anyway, he adopted a completely straight face, went dead silent for a time, and finally said to me, a very stilted, “I love you anyway”. From there, as I recall, he up and walked away, still stone faced.
I can tell you that in that moment, I sure as hell was not feeling the love he had just professed, and I’d have been willing to bet that in that moment, he wasn’t exactly feeling the love I’d professed, either. How I wish we could have said what we really meant, to one another. I wish I could have adequately (not to mention, rationally) expressed my embarrassment and my fear, although ridiculous, that he would leave me for putting a small dent in the van without realizing I’d done it. I wish he could have expressed whatever it was that was going through his mind.
I know that similar sitcom-worthy scenes occur in other relationships as well, and I feel that the emotions behind the ‘I love you/I love you anyway’ split are really a bid for attention, affection, understanding and forgiveness. How sad that is, when one thinks about it.
How do you feel that discussions or relationships as you know them, would change if you stopped using ‘I love you’ or ‘I love you anyway’ as a cover for uncomfortable emotions, or an unclearly commununcated bid for attention, forgiveness, understanding, etc.? How would your conversations change if you swapped in what you really wanted to say? What emotions or thoughts surround this exercise in thought?
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