A Test of Temper

These past few months have been a test for my temper.

Most people I know or meet would never think that I even have a temper.  Or that it can be nasty.  Outwardly, I'm usually as mild-mannered as people come.   I frequently hear myself described as 'sweet', 'mild-mannered', and the description that makes me (secretly) giggle the most at the irony, 'angelic'. 

For I also have the gift/alter ego of an inner temperamental wisecrack-maker, complete with an expanded vocabulary, a brash attitude, and a knack for incredibly raw curse words.  When that side of me gets turned loose, I have been known to occasionally shock contractors and make sailors blush.

I used to beat myself up and laughingly dismiss myself for this duality, saying that I was/am no angel; that I was/am only all too human.  However, given my understanding and admittedly limited biblical or religious education, I've come to understand that angels, if not Jesus himself,  had moments or even extended periods of time, experiencing humanity in its imperfection.  I know now, too, that I am not the only one that has felt this way or that has that duality.

So, it's with an inner disbelief, that I admit that despite having recently faced down repeated rations of crap, having heard loads of self-defeatist beliefs, or heard cries for help that are really a subterfuge for only God knows what else, I've faced it all down, not with the in some cases, richly-deserved battle cry of 'Bullshit!' , but rather with a curious mix of quiet shock and dismay, blended with patience, light, and class.

 Lately, I'm really *seeing* more and more people walk around with the withdrawn hunched-shoulders blinders of defeat in their lives firmly attached, and actually believing that is the right and just way of the world.  I'm seeing blinders of impossibility just as firmly attached.

  I'm seeing more people not only willing to dish out gratuitous acts of blind conversational cruelty, but actively engaging in doing so with bared-teeth relish and razor-sharp skill.  I'm seeing more and more people walk around in physical or emotional pain, venting that pain in whatever way they think they can get away with, but at the end of the day, not doing jack to heal that pain.  

 So much pain out there in the world right now.   So many patterns of behavior, belief or being just begging to be changed.  I find it somewhat akin to being wide awake yet stuck in the vestiges of a bad dream.

I've realized that until there is less pain in the world, that I might do better modulate the mouth and use my power to spread joy, dignity, gentleness and compassion, as well as alternative ways of seeing and experiencing reality. In that way, it is my hope that I can help lessen some of that pain flying about in the world, as opposed to furthering it.  Doesn't mean I'm not going to occasionally drop some raw language in doing so when the occasion calls for it, however.

My challenge is this; based on the premise that in order to change the world, one is to be the change that one wants to see. I intend to find and remove my own blinders, where applicable, take a fresh look at how I speak to and treat others, as well as myself; while also taking a good solid look at how others speak to and treat me, and acting accordingly.  As a wise teacher once told me, 'it's always a process.'

I wonder if any of my readers will take the same challenge, and what the results will be. 

Until next time, peace!