I'll be honest. I'm in a crap situation right now and have been for awhile. I have been searching obsessively for paid work which actually amounts to a living wage, and on top of that I've been writing and giving and being a decent person when I'm not crying in private, or putting a brave face on my situation in public, or in front of people I know; or worse, being criticized for being unable to get further than an interview.
I *hate* the fakery involved of putting a brave face on it, or being able to take the criticism like a lady, but I've noticed that when I don't do that, a lot of the people I know whom I might feel comfortable displaying any real sort of emotion to, freeze up and get absolutely horrified at the thought that I might actually have feelings, much less that I might actually go and display them.
On the flip side, however, these same people who have had the balls to complain that I lack warmth and emotion when I keep a straight face, in almost everything that has come down the pike in my life. I've stopped trying to figure that one out, and have chalked it up to knowing some people who have some very deep conflicts within themselves that I do not have to, and just plain do not care to explore.
The only person I can do anything with, is myself. and so I have, with at least the effort equal to, if not greater than, the effort I employed towards reaching gainful employment.
Despite positive visualization, forming positive intentions, using the Law of Attraction, et cetera, I am battling exhaustion, frustration, and feelings of doubt, and I dislike very much this experience of being unable to regain traction in my life, although it is my hope that at least I'll be a better person in the end.
I hate this situation. I would like very much, at this point, to have my own home/work space and actually be able to keep that home without any financial help from anyone else.
I have an offer for another place to live, but, it is another roommate situation, located across the country from where I live now. While I really don't want to move to the other side of the country, it does seem to be about the best option for me right now, although I am very much open to other options.
I fought with my mother about it this morning. I think I made her cry when I got short, and downright chilly with her. She worries that I'll be out across the country and get stuck somehow. I countered with a couple of choice comments. I wonder what, exactly, she expects me to do? Snap my fingers and voila there's a house?!
While I have every confidence that I will eventually make it out the other side of this experience of poverty, pain and exhaustion, but the immediate past and current moments feel like one curve ball after another, and that I have nothing but my wits and my bare hands to deal with the balls.
I can write. I can coach like nobody's business, because I've got the piles of life experience, the coaching methods, the contacts, etc. to help people pull off some pretty radical life or business shifts--and believe me, I know *all* about consequences, intended or not.
I'm not an axe-murderer by a long shot, I do have a fairly functional belief system, and I'm perfectly willing to do what it takes to get out of this bad situation, save for taking on yet more very poorly-compensated work that sucks up all my time, energy and joy. Been there, done that, and I dead-set refuse to do it again.
My stumbling block is that I'm quiet, my potty-mouthed alter ego to the contrary. People literally don't hear or even see me much of the time. There were once some advantages to this, but, there have always been painful disadvantages, and I am working my ass off to overcome them, for all the good it has done me lately.
I've set up this blog and went to monetize it. Only to find out AdSense doesn't like it for reasons unknown to me, and with instructions for correction that, even when followed, make not a bit of sense or don't apply to my situation. AdSense is being no help at all, despite repeated polite yet impassioned requests for assistance from one of the AdSense professionals.
If there are better ways that are not scams, I am open to them.
I've got products and classes in mind, to develop and sell, and I am researching the best way of accomplishing this.
I want to do affiliate marketing as well. I'm a reader as well as a writer, and there are a lot of books that I could wholeheartedly endorse without feeling icky about it, along with products that would bring in a fair amount of revenue, too.
I would like, very much, for all of this to result in a safe, secure home/workspace for Lou and myself, and to keep our home/workspace safe and stable going forward--but what I wouldn't give for some help doing the things that I love--writing and teaching--to actually get there.
Until next time..peace.
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